I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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