my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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