Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
