Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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