no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
