I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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