Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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