We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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