I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want to make out with him forever
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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