I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
