Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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