You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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