There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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