I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
