Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
