I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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