Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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