my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
