Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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