in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
