Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
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