why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
