he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
