You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
