If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
