I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
