Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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