If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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