why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
