WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
