My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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