She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
