A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
