he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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