I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
