I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
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He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
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Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Come on in and take your pants off
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