In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
