I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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