you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
