i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
