Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
