there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
