New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
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