the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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