Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
