My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i think im in europe. pls send help
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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