Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
