its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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