I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
