i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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