And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
