Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
