u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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