i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
