My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
