well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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