If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
