you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
